Limericks with a Difference!

All of the places in these limericks are in the glorious county of Norfolk. Be warned that many Norfolk place-names have strange pronunciations, and the rhymes make the most of it! For instance, "Hautbois" in No.3 is actually pronounced "Hobbis". Get it?

There was a young welder called Graham
got a phone call from Potter Heigham,
or it might be that I am
wrong, and it’s Heigham;
I really don’t know how to say ‘em.
A pensioner from Hindolveston
once answered the door with her vest on.
Her caller, the Rector
said, Dear Mrs Nector,
for goodness sake, please put the rest on.
The pronounciation of Cley, sir
is the subject of argument todey, sir.
The passions run hey
and the tempers, they frey,
and it seems that the ‘e’ is the key, sir.
A heavyweight feyter from Skeyton
had a face that could easily freyton;
a terrible seyt
in the black of the neyt,
but not nearly so bad with the leyton.
A burglar called Robert from Hautbois;
robbing rich houses his jautbois.
Through windows he wangles
at impossible angles,
yes a rubbery robber our Bautbois.
Approaching it phonetically
it obviously should be called Salle;
but the people of Salle
will repeat without fail,
that they will decide, and that’s all.
A Jack Russell terrier from Hunstanton
ran non-stop from Hunstanton to Dunstanton.
It was easy for him;
he had springs in each limb
that were made of the very best tungstanton.
In making a Limerick on Burnham
the names, how I struggled to turn ‘em;
for none of ‘em rhyme
and I’m wasting my time,
so I think I’ll go up there and burn ‘em.
The twice daily slow bus to Mundesley
from Cromer departs on a Mondesley;
and Tuedesley and Wednedesley,
on Thurdesley and Fridesley,
but never on Saturdesley or Sundesley.
A clever young farmer from Hargham
he kept lots of cows just to calf ‘em.
A fortune he got
when he auctioned the lot
after walking them over to Swargham.
There was a schoolteacher from Costessey
who was chased from the class for being bostessey.
She led a good race
at a really fast pace
but was finally caught by the postessey.
Surveying her brood, Mrs Mouse,
said, We have outgrown this small house.
We could easily fill a
luxurious villa
in Catton or Hellesdon or Trouse.
A crafty young housemaid from Belaugh
was known as a wheelaugh and delaugh;
she stole knives and forks
glasses, bottles and corks,
and lastly a potato-pelaugh.
A Year seven pupil from Catton
while carrying her Relay team’s baton
tripped and fell on it,
then made up a sonnet:
‘The funniest thing I have sat on’.
A boy had a dog cart at Stiffkey
that was pulled by a powerful Saliffkey.
That hound was his pride
until one day it died,
now he noisily rides a Suziffkey.
A gullible schoolgirl from Colney
bought a Walkman she thought was a Solney,
but when it went brolke
she thought it no jolke,
and exclaimed, I’ve been caught with a pholney!
I once took a letter from Shingham
and was quickly delivered to Hingham;
and should I repeat
this remakable feat
I would finally get posted to Ingham.
In Cringleford there is a hitch
and their name they may now have to ditch.
To lie is rewardless,
their village is fordless,
and really should be Cringlebridge.
A terrible punster from Feltwell
constantly said that he felt well,
for he spent all his days
in a hole lined with baize;
yes he healthily lived in a Felt Well.
You surely have heard of the fame
of the Trinty Broads’ faulty name;
There’s Filby and Rollesby,
there’s Little and Ormesby
and Lily; now who is to blame?
If you travel from Scratby to Oby
and you are in a hurry, then, oh be
sure your route will be
by Hemsby or Filby
or Ormesby, but never by Scroby.
At the pill-making factory of Hellesdon
you never can find how the smellesdon;
I’ve tried hard and long
to unravel that pong,
but I never have found what the hellesdon.
The list of BY’s starts with Oby
and continues with Scratby and Scroby
and Rollesby and Ormesby
and Billockby and Ashby
and Clippesby and Hemsby
and Herringby and Mautby
and Stokesby and Thrigby
and Filby, but none of them
are rhyming with Oby or Scroby.
While digging his garden in Garboldisham
a man found some gems, so he polished ‘em.
sadly he garbled some
and then he marbled some
and finally gave up and abolished ‘em.
Now Diss with the fairest compares, sir;
it has one of the finest of Meres, sir.
A remarkable town
and a place of renown
which, as you approach, Diss appears, sir.
The sea-wise people of Weybourne
can tell what the state of the ebb ‘n
flow of the tide is
by checking how wide is
the crafty old sea-spider’s webbing.
A strapping young builder from Wymondham
was proud of his massive pudymondham.
Their gargantuan size
easily won him first prize
in a big nationwide referymondham.
Some people from Holme took the train
and collected some stones from Salisbury Plain,
to get their revenge
for the theft of Woodhenge,
and to give them a Circle again.
A old leg-break bowler for Wymondham,
whoever he played against, ruwymondham.
Clueless tail-enders
succumbed to his benders
because of the way that he spymondham.
The Reverend at Tacolneston
and the Incumbent of Fulmodeston,
they argued for ages
about their Web pages,
and who could come up with the best ‘un.
There once was a village called Eccles
that cost Norfolk thousands of sheccles
to prevent the coast failing,
but all unavailing,
as the sea advanced slowly on Beccles.
is pronounced by each man and each lady
who lives there, and knows
how the Norfolk tongue goes
as ‘Market Street’; isn’t that crazy?
A careful young fisherman of Holkham
used to catch lots of herrings and smolkham
. In his great big shed,
to make sure they were dead,
he would take a sharp stick and he’d polkham.
A schoolmaster from Gresham
used to catch naughty boys and thrash’em,
till a burly sixth-former
tied him up in a corner
and threatened to nastily bash ‘im.